Read the following passage carefully:
(1) What do we typically do when we find our children doing something we don’t approve of? We become reactive parents. Often, we pepper our reactions with lectures. When it doesn’t work and predictably so; we end up screaming and dole out a punishment. And our children react with anger, resentment or ‘can’t-be-bothered’ attitude.
(2) Buddhist Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh put it beautifully when he described how each child has both negative seeds- of anger, despair, hatred, fear and violence- and wholesome seeds- of love, happiness, compassion and forgiveness. According to him, what will blossom depends on the seeds we nurture.
(3) A parenting and educational approach that’s gaining a large following internationally, called the Nurtured Heart Approach (NHA) by Howard Glasser, is very much in keeping with this Zen approach. The three main aspects of this approach are:
- Refuse to energize negativity.
- Relentlessly energize their positives.
- Reset: Do not react negatively and stay calm when the child does something wrong.
Parents following this approach commit to not saying or doing anything that may fuel negativity in the child. But the parent has to make sure she/he does this very calmly, without any anger or resentment.
(4) While on a mission to cut the negative, the parent looks for every opportunity to energize the positive in the child. This is done through persistently appreciating the goodness in the child in the smallest of ways: You were really generous about sharing your pizza with your sister; I appreciate the hard work you have put in your project; It takes courage to stand up to a bully. If you observe, the appreciation is not about saying “excellent”, “amazing” or “good”, which is really an empty praise and does not speak much to the child. Qualifying a praise, on the other hand, gives the child direction and she/he begins to understand what qualities, values and strengths are appreciated. These are also necessary ingredients of life skills and success.
(5) This approach is not merely about noticing when the child is being good, it is about recognizing the child’s worth at every step. It’s about aligning his energy in believing that he has great qualities, which are being identified and validated by the parents at every step. He realizes that there is no point choosing negativity, as there are no pay-offs to it, and is validated building his worth instead.